Monday, October 27, 2008

Gaytube, Kim Raver and life's biggest questions.

So these past few days have been really rough on your boy.  I would go into blogtails but I'd rather not ruin my reputation for having a funny blog.  So I'll take my Daria/ Emily the Strange mood and make something humorous out of it.

IF you're SERIOUSLY considering group suicide, or just individual suicide if you're that much of a fucking loser, then I suggest you do a couple things first:

1. Visit Gaytube.com- It's the same thing as xtube or youporn but for gay people.  Which just makes it kind of better.  If you're not visiting to masturbate, which can release endorphins, which MAY reduce your suicidal urges then just search for something silly and totally pointless like "cockdocking".  Cockdocking is when guys touch dicks head to head and roll their foreskin over each others dicks.  Ive watched videos of cockdocking for a good long while and still can't figure out the arousal factor.  But seriously, go jerk off...it helps I swear.  Maybe you'll even feel sexy after.

2. Look at this picture I found on Facebook- Poor things were giving out handjobs before they could wipe right...
It's hot right?

3. Watch Lipstick Jungle online- Seriously I would go straight and have totally natural, satisfying sex with Kim Raver if I could.  For those of you idiots that don't watch Lipstick Jungle hoping that Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha will pop up at a cocktail party Kim Raver plays Nico Reiley on the show.  She used to be on "24" and that shitty show that lasted maybe 6 episodes called "The 9".  Kim Raver is the reason Rachel Zoe lies about her age by 10 years, who the HELL knows how old Kim is, it's totally irrelevant because she is such a stonefox and her plastic surgery is incredible.
Work it out gurl

4. Katieandcorey.wordpress.com- Probably my biggest blogfluence.  Two INCREDIBLY brilliant and hilarious people who happen to be tortured slutty drug addicts.  But they admit to it, so you sit there and try to figure out how these two people maintain an academic career at UC Berkeley while having such chemically experimental lives.  Maybe they're just like me and cant be anything but manic.  But I doubt it, cause they're kicking ass at Berkeley.  FAKERS!

5. Try Ketamine- Ok, SERIOUSLY...cats have it fucking made like lemonade.  If Ketamine is what they get everytime the need to be tranquilized then by god let me be Heathcliff next lifetime around.  I didn't even realize* what I was taking, but I took it, next thing I knew I was sinking into a wicker chair like it was my mother's womb (granted no matter how fucking uncomfortable wicker is, it's probably still more comfortable than being that close to my mother).  Drink lots of beer on it too.  I'm telling you guys, the only thing worse than not having anything to do on the weekends, is having the motor skills to get up and change that.
What party are you gonna complain about not going to if you can't even move?
*realize- care.

6.  Visit Postsecret.com- This website is designed for schadenfreude.  Schadenfreude is the german term for "taking pleasure in other people's pain" (I learn everything I know from musicals).  If you haven't heard of it it's a public blog where people can anonymously post their secrets in cute crafty ways.  My only issue is that sometimes these secrets look so cute I begin to doubt their authenticity.  Regardless, they still make you feel less alone than before.

I just did all these things except #5 and I dont feel any better.  So I guess ignore all of these except the Ketamine one.

I think being a 21 year old freshman at a shitty school on a hill in the middle of nowhere is kind of like having manic depression.  How come it feels like no one here is asking themselves "How the fuck am I ever going to be able to have a family in an economy like this?"  or "Why do I feel so alone when I'm surrounded by all you people?".  This upheaval was refreshing for a second.  But now I just feel like I'm REALLY wasting time.  At least in LA I was FaBuLoUsLy wasting time.

2 comments:

myles joseph said...

you could always watch models eating shit, or celine dion.

D LADY said...

im you, but in the valley, and with a vagina..and drug free. so im not you, but im lonely