Thursday, October 30, 2008

see you on the other side!

So halloween is tomorrow.  I hope everyone has a good weekend and has lots of fun and has to make really embarrassing walks of shame home in their costumes.  And remember a few things:

-Always put your drink down unattended, who knows you might get a treat!
-Never let a slutty anything pass you without attempting to finger her/him.
-The ghosts of Aaliyah and Left Eye are most powerful on Halloween.  So keep your eyes peeled!
Yeah, whatever lady.

Ps. Im planning on posting the most outrageous Halloween pictures post-debauchery.  So make sure to document the carousing!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Gloria Estefan's hair?

No, that wasn't it.  I had a brilliant idea for a blogpost in math this morning.  But I forgot it because I was still drunk from last night.  It's true!  Anyways, I'm going to go give my brain a hard time and try to remember what it was.  You can eat this food for thought:

Disney's "Chip and Dale":

Vegas' "Chippendale":

Someone please attempt to explain.

Also, please watch this and feel okay for a second:

Is that....RIP TAYLOR talking in the background?

manOHman the world is weird.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Jenny Humphrey needs to DIE

Is it just me or is Jenny Humphrey the achilles' heel of Gossip Girl?

Last night really sent me over the edge.  I KNOW what the writers are trying to do, I get it.  And I'm not necessarily hating on them for trying to turn Jenny into some Kira Plastinina/Cory Kennedy creature.  It's not a bad avenue to take the show's youngest character down.  But when the young lady playing the character looks like she stepped out of Calabasas or Orange County instead of Manhattan, there's a problem.  Let's look at the facts:

1) Taylor Momsen can't act.  Obviously no one on the show can really act except Ed Westwick, regardless of what you think he's doing, he calls it acting and I'll believe whatever he says.  Back to T.M. though, her dialogue is too eager and contrived.  She makes you think she's never gonna make it in the fashion industry....and she isn't.

2) Jenny Humphrey is not producing amazing work.  Let's be honest, the show is making her out to be some kind of fashion prodigy, but the pieces they make to be hers are...well....TARGET.  Just because you put a bright blue satin lining on a dark plaid dress does not make it high fashion, it makes it the Abby Dawn collection by Avril Lavigne for Kohl's.  And the piece de resistance- the fucking green party dress.  BORING BORING BORING.

3) If Jenny Humphrey is SUPPOSED to be a fashion prodigy, she would have:
A) Kept her apprenticeship with Elinor, the greatest minds are those which are humble.
B) Already been akin to the party scene in NY w/out the help of WillUHHHH why are you 
     this show Holland.  She wouldn't have been hesitant about taking off her own design to       bear her nubile body to a creepy version of Mark Hunter (the cobrasnake to those of you 
     that have ended up here by accident).
C) Been the best dressed character on the show and would have developed a relationship
     with Chuck Bass because he is the style minded queer on deck for inspiration and 

4) Why have they not written in stimulant fueled nights of creative brilliance?  HELLO, all great artists are supposed to be tortured drug riddled youths.  Even her brother Dan, the only other "artist" on the show got slipped some Ecstasy by Chuck which made for a barely quixotic experience.

5) Since when does dying your hair a more platinum blonde and giving yourself charcoal raccoon eyes make you a more dynamic, edgy young person?  In my book, those two things are the quickest ways to lose respect and legitimacy in the fashion world.  She might as well be Kristin Cavallari.

ALSO: writing in a relationshit with Nate is NOT going to save Jenny's pathetic, talentless life.  I HOPE HE BREAKS HER HEART!

So in conclusion, I ask for you to find some spare time and write to your local Gossip Girl script supervisor and ask that maybe in the next season Jenny has a freak accident with a sewing machine?

Ugh and can we all agree that upon Jenny's very appropriate and celebrated death, the writers instantly shift focus to her grieving peer, Serena's younger, gayer brother Eric.  

Can we say BATH HOUSES!?  

GG will never be raunchy enough for me.  Even if female masturbation is the first topic of conversation in an episode.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Juniper, Sequoia, Diablo....Tamalpais?

So we have these new dorms at my school, they're really nice and this is the first year they've been open.  Each of them has some Native American/Californian name like Sierra or El Dorado.  Anyways, so two of the buildings are for freshmen, the third is for sophomores and the last of the 4 new buildings is for the International students.  and its called "Tamalpais"  named after a small mountain in Northern CA.  Can someone PLEASE explain to me how to pronounce this word?  More so can someone tell me WHY they would put all the Japanese kids in a building with the hardest word to pronounce?  Not to mention they're gonna struggle with that "l" in the middle.


Gaytube, Kim Raver and life's biggest questions.

So these past few days have been really rough on your boy.  I would go into blogtails but I'd rather not ruin my reputation for having a funny blog.  So I'll take my Daria/ Emily the Strange mood and make something humorous out of it.

IF you're SERIOUSLY considering group suicide, or just individual suicide if you're that much of a fucking loser, then I suggest you do a couple things first:

1. Visit It's the same thing as xtube or youporn but for gay people.  Which just makes it kind of better.  If you're not visiting to masturbate, which can release endorphins, which MAY reduce your suicidal urges then just search for something silly and totally pointless like "cockdocking".  Cockdocking is when guys touch dicks head to head and roll their foreskin over each others dicks.  Ive watched videos of cockdocking for a good long while and still can't figure out the arousal factor.  But seriously, go jerk helps I swear.  Maybe you'll even feel sexy after.

2. Look at this picture I found on Facebook- Poor things were giving out handjobs before they could wipe right...
It's hot right?

3. Watch Lipstick Jungle online- Seriously I would go straight and have totally natural, satisfying sex with Kim Raver if I could.  For those of you idiots that don't watch Lipstick Jungle hoping that Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha will pop up at a cocktail party Kim Raver plays Nico Reiley on the show.  She used to be on "24" and that shitty show that lasted maybe 6 episodes called "The 9".  Kim Raver is the reason Rachel Zoe lies about her age by 10 years, who the HELL knows how old Kim is, it's totally irrelevant because she is such a stonefox and her plastic surgery is incredible.
Work it out gurl

4. Probably my biggest blogfluence.  Two INCREDIBLY brilliant and hilarious people who happen to be tortured slutty drug addicts.  But they admit to it, so you sit there and try to figure out how these two people maintain an academic career at UC Berkeley while having such chemically experimental lives.  Maybe they're just like me and cant be anything but manic.  But I doubt it, cause they're kicking ass at Berkeley.  FAKERS!

5. Try Ketamine- Ok, SERIOUSLY...cats have it fucking made like lemonade.  If Ketamine is what they get everytime the need to be tranquilized then by god let me be Heathcliff next lifetime around.  I didn't even realize* what I was taking, but I took it, next thing I knew I was sinking into a wicker chair like it was my mother's womb (granted no matter how fucking uncomfortable wicker is, it's probably still more comfortable than being that close to my mother).  Drink lots of beer on it too.  I'm telling you guys, the only thing worse than not having anything to do on the weekends, is having the motor skills to get up and change that.
What party are you gonna complain about not going to if you can't even move?
*realize- care.

6.  Visit This website is designed for schadenfreude.  Schadenfreude is the german term for "taking pleasure in other people's pain" (I learn everything I know from musicals).  If you haven't heard of it it's a public blog where people can anonymously post their secrets in cute crafty ways.  My only issue is that sometimes these secrets look so cute I begin to doubt their authenticity.  Regardless, they still make you feel less alone than before.

I just did all these things except #5 and I dont feel any better.  So I guess ignore all of these except the Ketamine one.

I think being a 21 year old freshman at a shitty school on a hill in the middle of nowhere is kind of like having manic depression.  How come it feels like no one here is asking themselves "How the fuck am I ever going to be able to have a family in an economy like this?"  or "Why do I feel so alone when I'm surrounded by all you people?".  This upheaval was refreshing for a second.  But now I just feel like I'm REALLY wasting time.  At least in LA I was FaBuLoUsLy wasting time.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

At least im not the Puppetmaster....

My girl RZ holding it down in this amazing new spread for Vogue.

what do you do when dudes let you down?

So if you ever feel totally mutilated after a night and day of hanging out with strange need to BOOK it to the city, set yourself up with a couple rails of ketamine cut with cocaine then wash the drip down with a tall can of Pabst and 2 xanax.  It SHOULD do the trick (and by trick i mean make you COMPLETELY and TOTALLY forget what happened to the past present and future).

Oh and then you repeat this concoction over and over again until you get access to a tattoo gun and start inking yourself

They call me Banks,
Banks Von D, SF Ink.

Am I a drug addict?  Oh well!
I must sound crazy right now.   I think I need to go cut my wrists to sober up.

too emo?  sowwy :(

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Play with Sarah Palin for FREE

If you like stupid shit click stupid shit below.  Its not about Girlicious I know you've had enough of me being obnoxiously gay.
You can click on ANYTHING in the Oval Office...


OKAY.  CIARA JUST KILLED RIHANNA, BEYONCE, CHRISTINA, DANITY KANE, AND THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS.  They're all dead, and Ciara is standing on a mound of their bodies right now with this new video.  I'm sorry but Ciara is what Aaliyah would have been if she hadn't died.  I think she knows it too, I feel like she has this strange obligation to the world to hit it harder, sexier, and RIDICULOUSLY FIERCER than any other bitch in the game.  THIS IS MY GIRL FROM NOW UNTIL I DIE.  GET YOURS CICI.

She did everything everyone else should have done in the past 6 months while they were being lazy and threw it into the most epic video of all time.  Man, ERRBODY WUZ ABOUT TO FORGET ABOUT HER BUT SHE COULDNT LET THAT HAPPEN.


Holding it down for my girlz

"Your blog is so gay.  Sooooo gay"- Maggy

Uh, YEAH IT IS!  Next thing you know you're gonna visit my blog and glitter is going to magically pour down from your ceiling and Shania Twain will walk into the room for an intimate acoustic performance.

Let me introduce you to some of my favorite celebeauties right now.

Remember that song "Miscommunication" by Timbaland?  With the SICK vocals by that unknown female?  Yeah, well her name is Keri Hilson and shes the shit.  Sometimes there are occasions where you KNOW you're gonna dig whatever a certain artist does.  And when her solo single "Energy" came out I had one of those moments.  She has the sickest hair in the video and there's this like pantomime dance sequence during the first chorus that I'm obsessed with.
I mean look how tortured she is!
I suggest you watch her video on youtube.  

Then there is Sia.  I know you all remember that song "In the waiting line" from Garden State.  It was by a band called Zero 7, really good bad.  Anyways, the vocalist turned out to be Sia (this came to me as a complete surprise when I found out and my whole world made sense again).  EVERY video she has is FUCKING AMAZING and clever and thought provoking and magical.  But I'll just show you one of my favorites:

I know she's fucking weird.  But think about how sick the song is and how much she creeps you out and I know you'll find the beauty in ugly.

I just found this chick Tiffany Evans cause I was looking at Ciara videos for the 2348348593498th time.  If you're gay you'll like this, if you aren't you probably won't get why its so good. 
Click the photo for her video "Promise Ring", Ciara is in it too.  Double Trouble!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

This could be bad...

Me+Annie+Phoebe+Steph+Nudo+Brooke+Lee+James= something really scary.  

If you're not familiar with all the characters in this equation then just imagine something like this:
Global Warming, Palin for President and the general end of days has nothing on this group of people reuniting in SF for a weekend where drugs are too accessible and tolerances are WAY too high.
I'm kind of scared.
If you don't hear from me after thursday night...don't worry, I've gone to hell.  

Monday, October 20, 2008

The earliest signs of my faggotry

Some people are embarrassed of their childhood music.  I am not one of those people.

1. Dream- He loves U not
The original Danity Kane, formed by Diddy, signed to Bad Boy, absolutely AMAZING

2. M2M- Mirror Mirror
This is like when you eat an ENTIRE stack of pancakes, thoroughly satisfying but still totally painful

3. Jennifer Paige- Crush
No words, you're probably sitting there thinking "OMG I LOVED THIS SONG"

4. Luscious Jackson- Naked Eye
Probably one of my favorite names out of all the one hit wonder nomenclature
ok sorry to be an ass but, I think they never made it big because...well...they're all kind of ugly.

5. S Club 7- Bring it all back
Ok, I am very serious about S Club 7.  I watched their show every weekend for a good 2 years.  Bradley, Jon, Hannah, Tina, Rachel, Jo, and Paul were a very big part of my life and I will stand by their music until I die.  This was their one of their "biggest" songs, but personally my favorite was "S Club Party"
They pushed them SO hard in America, I bet they would've been epic if they had based their show in the UK, maybe...what do I know, look at the music i listened to when i was 11.

6. Donna Lewis- I love you always forever
When I rediscovered this song about a year ago I was "lost in a deep cloud of heavenly scent" for about 2 weeks.  Now I'm watching the video and realizing this woman needs to be shot, who the FUCK plays with boots on their hands when they make their pop music video.  SO weird...
The song is actually still very beautiful to me.  Sorry Donna I don't know what came over me.

7. 3LW- No more (Baby I'ma do right)
This was the JAM for a minute, I remember when they were kind of big I saw all three of them on Melrose, which is probably where they bought all the ugly clothes in this video.  Also, don't forget 2/3rds of 3 Little Women turned into Cheetah Girls.  'Nuff said.

8. Hoku- Perfect Day
I know...this song REALLY does suck.  She bugs the shit out of me.
I mean, she just has NO energy.  wtf.

9. Krystal- Supergirl
Not every one hit wonder gets BSB cameos in their video.  RESPECT. 

10. Westlife- Swear it again
I had mad kiddy crushes on all these dudes...sick.

More notable one hit wonders that just don't fit this specific aesthetic for me:
- Blu Cantrell: Hit 'em up style (actually a REALLY good song)

I've officially stopped caring

There's a myth that people only us 10 percent of their brain's potential and that if we were to utilize and cultivate that other 90 percent then we wouldn't have any reason for a body.  We would just be floating masses of intelligence...?  or something?  

Well, I think I'm reaching that 100 percent mark, because physically...things are starting to go downhill:

Someone PLEASE call Stacy London and Clinton Kelly because apparently I've forgotten how to dress myself.  This outfit was accompanied by flip-flops and a mere suggestion of a hairstyle.  I ran out of product for my hair and simply don't have enough money to get more, I could just buzz my head and not worry about it at all but winter is coming and I don't have money for a hat so I guess the one god gave me will have to do.  It's also hard to try when you live in a place where people compliment you on your style no matter what you're wearing....
Maybe I'll try and be a human being for lunch.  For now though, I'm gonna go nap.  It's my reward to myself for waking up for math this morning.
But before I go, let me make your day:

Thursday, October 16, 2008

8 *FaBuLoUs* things didn't know about me that are TRUE.

1.  Kate Moss wished me a happy birthday
It's true!  I was ringing in my 20th FaBuLoUs year and I was dancing behind the DJ booth with my DJ friend Myles Hendrik and Kate Moss could see me having the most amazing time and I was screaming "ITS MY BIRTHDAYYYYY!"  and finally she touched my leg and said "It's your birthday?"  I responded with an eager nod.  Her nose bled a little and she said "Happy birthday darling!"

2. I went to see Austin Powers 3 with Orlando Bloom
Totally true!  I was 16 I think?  So I was invited to go see a movie with my uncle, he is my mother's sisters husband.  I had been babysitting all day and he thought it would be a nice treat.  Turns out, I wasn't going to see Austin powers 3 with only my uncle, two of his good friends Sebastian and Orlando would be coming with.  When he said "Yeah you should come, meet my mates Bash and Orlando as well"  I knew EXACTLY who he was talking about.  So I went, and I sat next to him...and then a preview for The Fellowship of the Ring came on and it was FaBuLoUs. 

3. I know Emile Hirsch
I'm not lying!  Speed Racer, Into the Wild, The Girl Next Door, Alpha dogs?  Yeah, I went to high school with him.  We used to get high together, now I just see him out and we have a drink and he tells me about the new movie he's doing about Harvey Milk and how I'll love it cause I'm gay and FaBuLoUs.  No but seriously, he's crazy.  But I love him because he's famous, right?

4. I've been swimming with Dustin Hoffman
FACT.  I have immersed myself in chlorinated water with the great Dustin Hoffman.  It was a summer day and his son was trying to get into my best friend Christy's pants, so he invited her over and of course I had to come because she wasn't down to fuck.  So we come over for a swim and out comes D. Hoff in swimming trunks and a snorkeling mask holding a bowl of cherries...when he got in he would go underwater and swim past his son and then come up and say "Nice package".  His son was kind of sleazy, like him.  But the cherries were FaBuLoUs.

5. I was voted 1 of the top 10 people to know in LA nightlife
Okay this one MIGHT not be true, you decide.  One of my close family friends said both her and her daughter saw a picture of me in a list titled "The top 10 people you need to know in the LA nightlife scene" .  It was published in either Paper magazine or Nylon magazine, same difference.  I never saw the issue but months later a 3rd person, another parent said they had seen the same thing.  I was in the ranks of the great buffet cyclone Cory Kennedy as well as the obvious party photog Mark Hunter.  We're like a little family, except we're more FaBuLoUs than you.  But you can come play!

6. Amy Winehouse and Kelly Osborne asked me for drugs
Scouts Honor!  I said no of course!  I couldn't live with myself if I was the line that broke the beehives nasal cavity!  I was at Teddy's and as the end of the night approached, after I had been dancing with everyone all night the two of them cornered me and said "You MUST know where to get coke right darling?"  I replied "No, just xanax but i doubt you guys are looking for something like that"  to which Amy snapped "I'll take whatever, how much"  I pointed them in the right direction and the rest was history.  Who knows if they ever even took the xanax, they probably just traded it for coke at 4:30 in the morning.  It was nice feeling needed, a truly FaBuLoUs sensation. I know a lot of famous british people don't I?
PS.  Amy dances like a zombie bride

7. I've done drugs with Lindsay Lohan
OBVIOUSLY this is true. Who HASN'T done drugs with Linds. She was not looking
FaBuLous, rough night for my girl.

8. I was in a Mc Donald's commercial when i was 6
It's true ask my dad! My father was producing a commercial for Mc Donald's and it called for
two kids soccer teams, so he cast me as one of the players. I got to eat crafts service food all day
and I made plenty of FaBuLoUs six year old friends. Until they all got edited out and I was the star
of the commercial, they really resented me for having a father on set.

I'm hoping in the next ten years I...
-get the first star on the walk of fame to celebrate someone who has walked down Hollywood more
than 99% of the world's population
-sleep with Bryan Singer, one of the most powerful homosexuals in Hollywood
-get ASKED for drugs by Lindsay Lohan and DO drugs with Amy and Kelly
-win a reality tv show award
-make it onto a commentary panel for a show like "101 most embarrassing Tara Reid moments"
or "Where are they now: The story of the cast of the new 90210"

All of those things will probably happen, because FaBuLoUs never really dies, it just goes to 
college in Hayward.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Can I touch 'em? No?

Currently obsessed with this boy...

Procrastinate now, DON'T put it off

Ellen Degeneres has a problem with procrastination....just like me. I'm putting off studying for both my geology and math midterms. OH! that reminds me, I have to email both my communications and general studies teachers. BRB.
Okay so I just got a couple things done. I had to write a short introduction for myself in my General Studies class. People are calling me "Mr. Hollywood" on campus, or at least that's what some people have been telling me........

I could die an embarrassed man with a name like "Mr. Hollywood"
It sounds like a WWF wrestler....kill me.
and my special move could be called "the tabloid" and I would lift people up to great heights only to throw them down and watch them fall.  Thats what Hollywood did to Britney...

Can we just take a FUCKING minute to acknowledge what's going on...
We all watched her fall apart for a couple years there.  I'll be the first to admit that I initially found it entertaining, fascinating, and a little funny.  But then things took a turn for the worst and I became legitimately concerned for one of the most prominent figures of my formative gay years.  Things got scary, and I think we all worried for her a bit.  

She's looking good naked, remindin us that SHE was the one who put out "Toxic" almost 5 years ago.  Alright she's not covered with rhinestones this time...I'm sure her budget is a little smaller this time around, give her a break, she tried with the steam.

And then there's also "Britney Spears: For the Record"

"And its that process where, the FUN stuff starts to come..."

Dude the next chapter of her life is gonna be so epic, she FINALLY raked in her deserved VMAS.  I mean the past ten years have been like watching Susan Lucci sit around waiting for her Daytime Emmy, it was ridiculous.  But I think MTV had this master plan to help her come to power again and award her 3 moon men for what I consider to be her best album.

I'm so happy I finally understand what being gay means.  I'm so happy I understand the way our gay idol world works...Britney, Kylie, Christina...I FINALLY GET IT.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


Up until,, I would sit around with my friends and talk about never having a blog. We didn't necessarily make fun of the blogs, it was just the people behind some of them....What made them SO interesting that we would want to read a painstakingly detailed account of their lives in reverse chronological order?
Then I realized....they don't care if we read it.

Blogs=A voice when you're stuck in a place where you can't use your real one
Blogs=~*~SeLf ExPreSsiOn~*~*

So here i am, realizing that college is BORING. For everyone, everywhere. It's school, and we can all has always been "whatever". But hopefully I can use this thing effectively and make myself laugh more. I dont laugh that much right now but I know Im STILL really funny. I hope it works. Also, although college is boring...there are ALOT of people here that make things funny. Not fun, not interesting, not cool or distracting....just funny. Ok awkward too, these young kids make things REALLY awkward.
I don't know what to do now, so I guess ill make a list of things I would do for a thousand dollars right now.

1. Throw up everything I have in my stomach right now (this includes green beans, mashed potatoes and pork roast coated in chocolate soft serve and a cookie)

2. Poop on a lawn on campus, but I wouldn't be allowed to choose the spot. The omnipotent figure with the money gets to decide obviously.

3. Smoke out again with the INCREDIBLY awkward guy I smoked out with last night who spent 25 minutes explaining how to make DXM followed by 15 more minutes explaining the sensation caused by the absolutely toxic solution. The finale ended up being "It's like getting really drunk AND high"....thanks but, I know another way to do that.

4. Listen to every song Linkin Park has ever had. I'm not positive but I think this one might be the most difficult.

5. Leave semen on my roommates bedding and see if he says something to me or just thinks it's his because he jacks off like 3 times a week in bed while he barely whispers to some girl on his cell phone....I THINK he assumes I'm asleep.

6. Get a Tinkerbell tatto on my breast. Or maybe even the character for "strength" in Mandarin. I gag.

7. Seriously injure my remedial mathematics teacher and steal her gradebook in the process.

8. Fuck it, I'd burn the math and science buildings down for a thousand dollars. KIDDING...............?.......??. . . . . . . .?

9. Bike to Los Angeles, naked.

Ladies and Gentleman...a few good things about the past 4 weeks:

"Some people have everything, the have nothing...It's wonderful"

GOLDEN COFFEE.  It's a block away from where I stay every weekend and it's retarded.  Thanks to Steph and Phoebe for letting me stay with them every weekend so we can go get GC the "morning after".

I spend like $6 and get 2 fatty pancakes, 2 sausages, an egg scrambled and OJ.
It's owned by this Chinese family I think.  I'm not positive if it's a family but they're all Chinese.  There's not a single decorative, ornamental aspect to the entire place.  The walls have NOTHING on them except a lone calender to the left of the entrance.  And the menus are the same, straight to the point: 
From the Griddle
Hot Sandwiches
Cold Sandwiches
Chinese Food.


Enough said.  When you're sitting in the dormitory hallways playing music, the only way to earn street cred is by playing something like:
Notorious B.I.G.
Too Short
Easy E
The only men I really need in my life right now.


"I feel nothing, I FEEL EVERYTHING"

It's 12:24...I don't sleep enough here. I'm gonna go watch Fringe. You should too, it's kind of like Lost meets House?