Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Life's biggest questions.

One of my strongest literary memories from my childhood is this book. The Way Things Work was, well, exactly that. It's a collection of explanations for everyday devices/technology. Everything from the oppositional concepts of levers and gears to the complex operations of a radio. I couldn't for the life of me tell you how any of the things in the book work today. But as a young boy, just knowing I had the answers bound and illustrated in a coffee table book was comforting enough. I would take it out and show my friends that I could potentially learn how film and projectors worked, if I felt so inclined.

Nowadays I am finding myself lacking such resources. The answers to the questions that plague my young mind cannot be found in a book. The inquiries range from incredibly trivial to absolutely paralyzing, but no matter their relevancy they still maintain a generally equal level of importance to me. And although the answers to some of these questions might be obvious, consider how sufficient they actually are...here are a few of the best examples, the ones that attack me so often I can remember them off hand.

- Why do people buy DVD's?
Am I right or am I right? With the creation of Netflix, OnDemand AND Tivo people still think that buying dozens of DVD's is a good idea. You can have ANY movie you want, for as long as you want it and the longest you'll have to wait for it is a day or two. Did we not learn our lesson with 8-tracks and minidiscs? These kinds of things are OBSOLETE people.

-Were did Michael Keaton go?
I know I know, he was in Herbie Fully Loaded and White Noise. But this guy used to be Batman! He was Beetlejuice! He was also in a movie called Multiplicity that I LOVED when I was younger. I guess I just miss him more than most people.

-How am I gonna survive in the modern world?
With the economy headed in the direction that it is. And my rights to marry being revoked, I start to wonder if coming of age and trying to make ends meet in Tomorrowland is even worth it. I can't even manage a checkings account, but I want like 7 children. How is this gonna work?

- Why do Christian crazies feel the need to yell at me?
I dont come to your church and tell you what I think you're doing is wrong. I don't stand on your lawn and preach to you about how much I love being gay. So please don't come to my college campus to tell me I am "the chief of sin" and that I "will get AIDS". Yes, someone said those exact words to me today, on my school grounds nonetheless!

-How come everyone thinks Donnie Darko is so good?
Seriously, doesn't ANYONE feel totally dissatisfied at the end of the movie? For the duration of the film youre taken on this journey, only to end up with as much knowledge as you did at the beginning of the movie. Oh and FUCK Patrick Shwayze.

-Why are people still buying SUVs?
Unless you're a farmer, or your vocation requires an SUV for some reason, you dont need to be buying a Hummer, or a Suburban. I'll admit I see alot more mini SUVs and barely any new full sized ones. But at least twice a week I am still forced to spot that DOUCHEBAG driving a faggot-y yellow Hummer, he's obsessed with West Coast Customs and likes paisley bandanas. Lick me, all of you.

-How come people can't accept that pop music is good?
It must suck to be those people that think its not cool to like pop. Is it not cool to like candy? Is it not cool to like mindless sex? I'm sorry, but pop was designed by some of the best producers and musicians in the industry to make you like it. It's designed to feel good to listen to. It makes you want to dance, but some people cannot get past the stigma. Yeah, I said it...pop music has a stigma, its the victim. SAVE POP MUSIC!

-Ugg Boots...still...during the summer.
ALWAYS with the denim skirt. UGHHHHHH MOVE ON LADIES.

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